(no subject)
I'm posting this here because I know you will see it. Whether I keep it here or not, I don't know, but at least I know you will have read it.
I have been raped emotionally by you. You knew I was having marital problems and you did what you could to finish destroying any chance I had at fixing it. Sure you gave me the advise to seek counselling, but I believe that you only did that to gain my trust and to slowly dupe me into falling for you.
You do realise that when you did that, you took from me the ability to save my marriage? Do you know how badly you had me wrapped around your finger? I had gotten to the point to where I didn't want to save my marriage, and all for something that was way too chancey to begin with.
The hold you had on my mind caused me to lie and tell you that things were so horribly bad and that my marriage wasn't worth saving. In reality, Dan had done what he could to try to make days like our anniversary and Valentine's Day special, even if he had to borrow to do it. I was the one who did nothing for him. Not even so much as buy him a card. I expected everything from him and it only gotten worse after getting to know you online. Between my deceit and your praise, I had gotten it in my head that I deserved having the sun and moon delivered at my feet. How truly wrong was that when I didn't do a thing for him? And to make matters worse, I couldn't wait for the day to be over so that I could go online to chat with you instead of spending time with Dan. I also missed out on spending good quality time with my children all because I felt the need to chat. I feel resentment from my son because of my actions. My daughter is too young to feel that way but what about when she gets older and I have to face it all over again? Yes, she is going to know about this so she can learn from my mistakes and see the downside of the internet and what can happen. That way she can be far more wary than I was and that some numb skull won't take over her life. I hope that she will still love me after all is said and done.
Now, here I am, broken hearted, free from the addictive hold you had on my mind, just wishing my beloved's heart will heal. Not only did you steal what I should have been feeling for my husband from me, you stole from him, too. You took his ability to trust and believe me. Because of you, he had lost all his faith in me. He is so cautious with his own emotions for me because he doesn't want to be hurt any more. I have to work extra hard now to convince him that I will not be the source of any more pain. I can only hope that in time his heart will heal and that he can tell me with the utmost confidence that he loves and respects me without any doubt in his mind that I am being completely true to him.
Brendan, what on earth did you expect to gain from all this? Did you really think you could whisk me away from my family and life would go on happily ever after? I know that I didn't play a very wholesome part in everything that happened and I take full responsibility for my part in tearing my own relationship apart, but how about you? Do you feel any remorse in the fact that because of you, what used to be a strong bond between two people was nearly completely destroyed? Or how about this, can you live with yourself knowing that two innocent children have to deal with the stress that mommy and daddy aren't getting along very well? My kids have had to suffer because they can sense when either of us are dealing with heartache. My beautiful daughter is wise beyond her two years and it breaks my heart to listen to her ask if daddy is okay. We can put on smiles and pretend that things are just fine just for their sake, but believe me, they know when things are amiss.
So, tell me, what the heck am I supposed to do? I used to go to you for answers, have you got any for me now? Can you tell me how to look into my husband's eyes and take his pain and anguish away? How do I face each day without my own heart hurting whenever I look at my children or see the family photos hanging on the walls? Beings all those conversations took place late at night while I was sitting on my bed, how do I erase the knowledge of that out of my husband's mind, to where he can feel comfortable lying in bed with me? How do I keep from feeling sick every time certain songs play on the radio - better yet, how can my husband keep from feeling sick? All the things I used to enjoy I can barely bring myself to do because of all that transpired while I was doing them. I can't even bring myself to turn on a computer screen without feeling like I want to throw up. Granted, I may have abused the privilege to go online, I still enjoyed looking up various things and researching subjects of interest and now the idea of even trying sickens me. How do I go back to it without feeling ill?
I could go on for days with all the questions I have when it comes to fixing what is broke, and I don't have any answers. All I can do now is my part in hopes that I can set things right. You have always had a self-righteous air about you, are you able to see how wrong you were in the part you played, or are you still blind and think you did nothing to cause any of the problems? You need to own up to your part in this mess, and keep in mind that nobody is perfect, including you. There are all kinds of smarts in the world, and just because you possess one kind, you are still an idiot when it comes to other people. Your intellect isn't going to help you when it comes to how you think or act around other people. You might want to keep that in mind the next time you start looking down on someone just because they don't know those big words you pride yourself in knowing.
Bottom line is this, I love my husband. Probably more than I ever have in the past. Things may be rocky as he and I try to work things out, and I really don't need any interference from anybody, even if the only interference is the knowledge of you waiting on the sidelines hoping that I may pop in and say hello. I want to improve and maintain my relationship with Dan the way it should have been done a long time ago. The only way that is going to happen is going to be through hard work and forgiveness. I have forgiven him for every little thing I have ever complained about in the past. Now I hope he will be able to forgive me. I wish I could go back in time and re-do everything so that I never would have fallen into your trap.
All I had ever wanted is for someone to really truly love me, and I was way blind to the fact that I had that. I still do, but thanks to my actions, he will never be able to look at me or any of our special days the same way again. Even so, I truly do love him with my whole heart and soul. I can't bear the pain I see in his eyes nor can I bear the pain I feel in my own heart any longer. I had hesitated to do any sort of post like this because I didn't want to cause myself any embarrassment. It's time I set aside my own selfishness and think of my husband and his feelings first for a change. He had done everything in his power to make the changes he saw he had to do and I selfishly did nothing to fix my own wrongdoings. How much was he supposed to keep giving? I can't keep being unfair to him. I love him too much to do that
okay
grateful
sad
contemplative
enraged
dumbfounded
hurt, angry, and disappointed
relaxed